feel no more (feel no less)
by SiriusMarauderFan
Summary: Phoebe Black deals with the aftermath of her brother's disowning while also coming to terms with having to ignore the way she feels inside in order to fulfill her duties to her family. one shot.


**Author's Note:** Thanks to Sophie and Amber for lending me their headcanons of the Blacks, particularly Trans!Phoebe, and thanks to Sam for betaing. :)

This is just a short prequel for an MC I'm planning about Phoebe and Sirius. It will probably be called Black Sheep because I'm uncreative with titles. It will be up this month. :)

Written for…

Hogwarts Assignment #12. _Lesson:_ Gardening, task 1. _Task:_ Write about someone showing at least one of the following characteristics/traits: beauty, grace, femininity, innocence

(Writing Club) Book Club. _Prompts:_ escape, sisters, "When I die, will you please tell everyone to wear brighter colours to my funeral?"

(Seasonal) Shay's Musical Challenge. _Prompt:_ Write about a strict family

(Writing Club) Lyric Alley. _Prompt:_ Put me on the shelf; discipline me

(Writing Club) Disney Challenge. _Prompt:_ Write about sisters

(Seasonal) Flowers. _Prompt:_ Feel No More (Feel No Less)

(Seasonal) Days of the Year. _Prompt:_ Write about sisters

(Writing Club) Character Appreciation. _Prompt:_ dementor

Holmes Mystery Challenge. _Prompt:_ Expecto Patronum

(Writing Club) Lo's Lowdown. _Prompt:_ exasperated

(Writing Club) Count Your Buttons. _Prompts:_ fancy

Insane House Challenge. _Prompt:_ a baby shower

World Cup Challenge. _Prompt:_ Phoebe Black

(Seasonal) Colors. _Prompt:_ Champagne

365 Challenge. _Prompt:_ baby shower

(Seasonal) Gryffindor. _Prompt:_ Bold

(Seasonal) Elements. _Prompt:_ Glow

(Seasonal) Summer. _Prompt:_ Fresh

* * *

 **feel no more (feel no less)**

 _1,013 words_

* * *

The Bones house is smaller than that of the Blacks, but Phoebe is sure she could still get lost in its numerous hallways.

It's the second time she's been to the home of her sister's in-laws. The first was six months before, for Hesper's wedding, but her mind had been on other things than the architecture at the time. Now she had little else to focus her attention on.

"Stop dawdling, Phoebe," her mother admonishes, already exasperated with her for taking so long to get ready.

She rushes to keep up with her mother, expertly weaving through the crowd of women gathering in her sister's honor, until they reach Hesper herself. She stands when she sees her family approach and allows her mother to kiss her cheek before wandering off to thank Mrs. Bones for hosting. Phoebe pays her no mind, tightly hugging Hesper as if it had been longer than six weeks since they'd last talked. She sneaks a glance around them, making sure no one is within earshot. Everyone is too busy socializing with more ladies dressed in similarly fancy, dully-colored dresses.

"When I die, will you please tell everyone to wear brighter colours to my funeral?" she says quietly. Hesper giggles and it's a beautiful sound to Phoebe's ears. It's been a long time since she heard it.

"I've missed you," she admits. She knows better than to show much emotion, and that her mother would prefer she said nothing at all in public, but she can't help but confide in her older sister. "It's been dreadful at home. It's too quiet."

Hesper's face grows dark for a split second before she composes herself. "That's what happens, dear. Children grow and move out. It'll be your turn next." She reaches out to fix a stray lock of Phoebe's raven hair but the girl pulls away, scowling.

The situation at home has more to do with Hesper and Licorus marrying so soon after one another. They had been expected to. Eduardus' departure had not been so easy to foresee. Which leaves Phoebe alone with little Alexia most days. Her younger sister is only twelve, and though Phoebe will never say so, sometimes the girl's presence gives her chills. She drops the subject, sure now that Hesper is just as adamant about pretending Eduardus never existed as the rest of their family.

"How is Thaddeus handling his impending fatherhood?"

Hesper smiles, smoothing the champagne colored gown over her swollen stomach. "He's been very sweet, helping me prepare. I think he's just as excited as I am."

Phoebe forces herself to smile. It is nice to see her sister happy, but she can't help but feel that Hesper could do better than Thaddeus Bones, the lying scoundrel.

"I'm happy for you, sister. You're glowing."

Phoebe goes silent as their mother returns with Mrs. Bones. The older woman has never spoken to Phoebe before but she wraps a long arm around her shoulders and leads her out into the crowd of women.

"Aren't you looking lovely today, my dear. How old are you now?"

"I just celebrated my fifteenth birthday, ma'am."

Mrs. Bones smiles fondly at her. "Just a matter of time before suitors will be lining up for you, hmm? Just a pretty girl."

It pains Phoebe to smile and take the compliment as her mother has drilled into her that she must, as much as she wants nothing more than to tell the woman that she feels about as far from being a _pretty girl_ and it's possibly to be. She will only call her crazy, like everyone else has.

"Tea will be served shortly. Why don't you mingle for a while?"

Phoebe's left alone, surrounded by women she only knows in passing. Across the room, she thinks she can see Agnes, Eduardus' would-be wife, and suddenly her need to escape intensifies.

She pushes her way through to the closest balcony, making quiet apologies as she goes.

It's warm outside, but Phoebe welcomes the fresh air. She grips the railing tightly as she takes slow, deep breaths. She wants the baby shower to be over so she can go home and hide herself away in her room, reading from Eduardus' old school books.

She expects the the sadness over the reminders of her dear brother to pass the longer she's away from the party, but they only grow stronger until they overwhelm her senses and a sob escapes her lips.

Her vision is blinded by tears as she falls, her hands and knees stinging as the hit the rough stone. Her thoughts are clouded by the dark memories after Eduardus was forced to leave, but it's the memory if him that helps to to make sense of what's happening.

Phoebe claws at the folds of her dress until she finds the hidden pocket with her wand inside. She never went to Hogwarts, was never allowed to know more than a few simple spells, but thank Merlin for Eduardus and his insistence in teaching her random bits of magic.

" _Expecto Patronum!"_ she shouts, trying to fill her mind with those happier times, when she was young and her brother was enthusiastically telling her all that had happened at school.

Her vision clears and she can see the dark beast floating before her, being pushed away by the light from her wand. She keeps pushing, thinking of memory and memory, until the beast leaves her.

"Phoebe!"

Her mother is there, and Hesper. They help her up as more women pour in from the ballroom.

"Are you alright, dear? We heard you scream."

"How awful," Hesper murmurs. "Thaddeus says that these creatures are roaming into the city at least once a month now."

Phoebe is trying to push them away, to catch her breath. She doesn't like anyone fawning over her. She hears one unfamiliar voice from the crowd ask where she learned such a spell, and she feels the need to answer.

"My brother taught me."

Eduardus saved her life, and she'll be damned if she'll let anyone say a bad word about him.


End file.
